From Crack to Kitty Litter, Our BIG DAYS!
This is the 7th chapter of a book I have written about the life and death of my late wife. I do not know how to get it published, and on the 10th anniversary of our wedding I wanted to at least share this part.
Copyright 2011 Odell Sneeden Hathaway, III
It took a lot of work on both our parts, but finally the big days were here. The Thursday before the wedding, our families started to arrive from around the country. As each flight came in, Linda and I met it (the TSA won’t let you do that anymore). The men received handshakes and hugs while the women each received a rose (after all, Portland is the City of Roses). Who says there is not a double standard?
That night we had the first party. It was a no-host dinner at one of Linda’s and my favorite places, a little Hawaiian-food restaurant near our house. My parents, two of my three sisters and their families (including Teddy, who was a little less than a month old at the time) were there. Linda’s family was represented by Linda’s full sister, Laura, and her family. Linda’s folks were not going to arrive until later that night and her half-sister Joy, the next day.
The next morning we woke to some of the worst news that any couple about to get married could face. At least, that is the way Linda saw it. Linda’s maid of honor (Teri, who introduced us) was supposed to also serve as caterer, but she was sick, and while she was still going to be maid of honor, she would not be able to prepare the food.
The food for the wedding had been a subject of debate with us. Linda wanted to hire a professional caterer. I (the miser) wanted to do something simple and inexpensive. Linda wanted the food to be magnificent, while I said if what people remember about our wedding was the food, “I am going to be pissed.” We compromised and selected Linda’s friend Teri—whom we both agreed was a great chef—as caterer.
We now had no food for the wedding. Fortunately I had plan B ready to go. Costco! I got in the car with my folks, drove to Costco, and got everything we needed for a wonderful party, except the cake. Linda left this all to me, as I think she was overwhelmed and just wanted to rest at home.
I know that the stress of the wedding was getting to her. Emotionally, she was a basket case, and the only thing that was keeping her going were the medications she was taking.
Most of the events of that day I think are similar to those shared by most couples while getting married.
When we picked up the tuxes, there was something wrong with every tux in the party. My best man’s tux simply did not fit. My shoes were the wrong size.
We spent the morning decorating the Parish Hall for the reception. The afternoon was for the wedding rehearsal itself. Then it was time for the next party.
My parents hosted the rehearsal dinner. Instead of a restaurant, we took a dinner cruise on the Willamette River. It was great and everyone had a wonderful time.
By the time we got back to our place Linda was exhausted and her emotions were out of control. Teri and I took Linda to our bedroom. Linda fell on the bed and started crying. We used relaxation techniques and the meds her doctor had given us to get her to sleep.
Then I left, because the groom is not supposed to see the bride on the wedding day. I would stay that night at the Holiday Inn near our house. The entire wedding party was staying there, minus Linda and Teri.
On the morning of the wedding I got up, meditated, and went for a swim before everyone else was up. Then the day started in earnest. David, my best man, and I got up and went to McDonald’s and got a big bag of Egg McMuffins for the wedding party.
While we were gone, Linda was driven to the hotel so she could use the suite I had stayed in to get her hair and makeup done. In fact, my brother-in-law (who is a professional hairdresser and travels all over the country teaching hair care to other hairdressers) set up a little beauty salon in the suite, and he did the hair of all the ladies in the bridal party—except Teri’s, as hers was much too short and sassy for him to do anything with.
While Linda’s hair was getting done, I returned to the hotel and sent David to the room with breakfast for everyone. I could not go in as I might see Linda.
Since Linda had moved in with me, I had a habit of leaving a love note in her bed each morning. This morning I was not there, but I found that in the suite there was a cabinet with a whiteboard inside. I put a note on the board, and then closed it. The note read.
Beloved
Here is your note!
You look great!
See you at the altar!
I love you!
You look great!
Love
O
When I sent David to the room with breakfast, I had him open the note for everyone there to see. I heard later that my brothers-in-law found themselves in trouble for not being so thoughtful. They never thought to leave love notes for my sisters.
I did not see Linda until she was walking to
me down the aisle. After David came back out to the car where I was waiting, I went to the church.
Linda told me later that by the time her hair and makeup were done, she was not doing very well—she was very anxious, and everyone in the room could tell. Linda had hired a makeup artist to do her makeup, and he took her across the parking lot to Starbucks to help calm her. I was very thankful for this.
We used cell phones to make certain that Linda and I stayed apart during the time we were not supposed to see each other. The rules do not say anything about talking to one another, so we did that on our cells.
It did not take long, though, before I found myself walking down the aisle. I had taken that walk hundreds of times as an acolyte or chalice bearer, but this time it was as a groom. I stood there as the wedding party assembled around me, and then we turned and watched my Beautiful Cutieful walk down the aisle, arm in arm with her father.
I stood there, entranced, with my hands crossed in front of myself just the way she remembered me standing when she first saw me. The bride has the right of surprise at the wedding. As the groom, the only thing that she had on that I had seen or heard about were the sneakers she was wearing under her wedding gown. The rest was a complete surprise to me.
On the other hand, Linda had been quite active in selecting my tux. I had to get her permission to wear my black sneakers, instead of the badly fitted shoes from the tux shop. The only surprise I had for her was that I had managed to secretly get new glasses for the wedding, and I was wearing gloves (I thought they lent a touch of class, not that I needed it).
The ceremony was wonderful. Linda, I, and the priest had worked hard writing the service using the standard as a base, but making little changes to make it our own. (What would you expect when the groom had trained to be a priest?) For example, instead of Linda’s father giving her away, both our parents gave us away.
One of the things that was important to me was that our first act as a married couple (after that kiss, that is) would be to partake of communion, and we did this.
The only time during the ceremony that Linda and I were allowed to sit down was while the priest was preparing the communion. Linda and I sat there talking so much that the priest had to come over and quiet us down. We were just so happy.
After the communion the priest introduced us as Mr. and Mrs. Odell Sneeden Hathaway, III, and we walked back up the aisle.
The pictures quickly followed—and a lot of paperwork. Linda was angry when the priest told her that on the forms she had to sign as Linda Belcher. She wanted to be rid of that name. As a child, the other children used to make fun of “The Belcher,” and she wanted that part of her life to be over.
We had a lot of fun with the pictures as well. I have a great shot of Linda drinking water from a pitcher in her wedding gown with a wonderful smile on her face. It was just so darn hot. (So was she!)
Finally, we were able to rejoin our guests in the Parish Hall and the party. We walked in and the DJ announced Mr. and Mrs. Odell Sneeden Hathaway, III.
I think this was the moment Linda had been waiting for all her life. She was the center of attention. Everyone walked up to her and shook her hand. We had the dance floor all to ourselves, and every eye was on her while we danced around the floor to “A Whole New World” from Aladdin. This may have been the time that Linda was closest to heaven.
Not to say there were not problems. The biggest of these was the heat. It was August 4th, and yes, sometimes in the Northwest it gets hot.
But everyone had a great time and there were plenty of magic moments. Like cutting the cake, throwing the bouquet. By the way, did you know that today a bride does not have one bouquet, but several, including one just for throwing? We even got Linda a special bouquet to carry with her on the honeymoon.
The funniest moment had to be the best man’s speech. David and I have known one another since high school. I stood by him when he got married. I drove him, his wife, and their first son home from the birth center.
David told a story from our high school days of how one day we were walking across the quad when some gang members came over and wanted to beat us up. I turned to the leader, put one hand over my face, and stuck my other hand through the arm over my face and said “LET’S RUMBLE!” As David demonstrated this, everyone at the reception broke up laughing. (The gang leader did not want to be seen beating up the freak; he left us alone.)
The party just kept rolling. Once everyone was at our house, Linda and I changed into more comfortable clothes, and then went out to the backyard. In my family, there is a tradition of planting a new tree for each new life. So Linda and I planted a maple tree during the barbecue, to symbolize our new life.
After the tree was planted, I realized that we had forgotten something—and that that “something” was rather important. We had forgotten to pack for the honeymoon, so we got lost in our rooms packing, and just as the limo arrived to take us to the airport, we were ready.
There is something I want to point out about all the parties we had. They were all great and everyone had a wonderful time, and none of them had any alcohol. Toasts were done with sparkling cider.
It was a short drive to the airport, and we soon found ourselves (in first class) winging our way to Texas. OK, we were on our way to San Juan and the ship we were going to take for the honeymoon, but first we had to change planes in Dallas.
When we finally arrived in San Juan, we found that the airline had lost several of our bags, including the bag with all of Linda’s evening wear. I was amazed Linda took it so well. There was not a major scene at the airport, and the airline said it would do its best to find the bags and get them to the ship.
Neither of us had been on a cruise before, and did not know what to expect. When we got to our cabin, we walked in and found that it was decorated for a honeymoon. This was a surprise I had arranged for Linda before we left. There was a cake and presents waiting.
What I did not expect was the surprise that Linda had for me. Almost as soon as the door closed, Linda broke down in tears. All her hurt and anger started pouring out. I think the wedding was almost more than she could stand. She was a totally different person than I had ever seen. One thing she made clear was that she did not want me near her. She threatened to kill either me or herself.
Now this is not the way you want to start your honeymoon. Linda did finally calm down, but I could tell there was still this huge untapped pool of anger lying just below the surface. Once she calmed down, we went to dinner. On the way back to our cabin after dinner Linda seemed herself again, and the fact that our missing bags had shown up helped a lot.
Everything seemed to be getting better until the lifeboat drill. Linda hated rules and people telling her what to do. Being told to go stand in a group with hundreds of people surrounding her was not something she was able to deal with. Also, the paranoia from the rape was surfacing, and Linda simply could not stand to have anyone touch her. We stood at the end of a row, and I made certain to place myself so no one else would touch her.
After the lifeboat drill, the ship sailed and we went to bed to sleep. That was certainly not the wedding night I had expected.
The next morning Linda seemed better, but there was still something very wrong. We went to breakfast and talked.
“Linda, what’s wrong?”
“There’s something I have not told you: I did something terrible and I can never let you know what it was!”
“Linda, you can’t say something like that and not tell me. I have to know! You know I love you! We can deal with this—please tell me!”
“No!”
“Linda, I have to know and you need to tell me!”
“OK, I have had four abortions!”
“SO?”
I was shocked by this. Not that she had had abortions, but that she felt it was so terrible that she could not tell me about it. I knew that she had, in high school, given birth to a daughter and given her up for adoption (we had even started looking for her).
I may be a deeply spiritual person, but I am by no means a pro-lifer. In fact, now that I knew she had had one abortion before she gave birth to her daughter, I was more surprised that she had gone through with the second pregnancy than that she had had the other abortions.
I told her that that did not affect the way I felt about her or the love I had for her. I think that made her feel a lot better.
There were a lot of great moments on the honeymoon—times of closeness and joy. Each stop we have fond memories of. My favorite was Curaçao. When we got off the ship Linda was wearing a god-awful light blue pantsuit. Why she ever bought the thing, I will never know. We walked around and passed one shop with some beautiful outfits. They were nothing but a large piece of cloth, but when wrapped around the form of a woman, one on the top and one as a skirt, they did wonders. I bought Linda a few of these, and we went to lunch.
At the restaurant, Linda excused herself to go to the ladies’ room. I was not expecting it, but when she came back, she had her new outfit on and never (except maybe at the altar) looked better. I felt so good to see how wonderful my new wife looked, and I never saw that pantsuit again. I hope she left it in the trash.
There were times of true intimacy and times that people might refer to as intimate. Often, Linda could not sleep, so at 3:00 in the morning we would walk around the deck.
Copyright 2011 Odell Sneeden Hathaway, III
That night we had the first party. It was a no-host dinner at one of Linda’s and my favorite places, a little Hawaiian-food restaurant near our house. My parents, two of my three sisters and their families (including Teddy, who was a little less than a month old at the time) were there. Linda’s family was represented by Linda’s full sister, Laura, and her family. Linda’s folks were not going to arrive until later that night and her half-sister Joy, the next day.
The next morning we woke to some of the worst news that any couple about to get married could face. At least, that is the way Linda saw it. Linda’s maid of honor (Teri, who introduced us) was supposed to also serve as caterer, but she was sick, and while she was still going to be maid of honor, she would not be able to prepare the food.
The food for the wedding had been a subject of debate with us. Linda wanted to hire a professional caterer. I (the miser) wanted to do something simple and inexpensive. Linda wanted the food to be magnificent, while I said if what people remember about our wedding was the food, “I am going to be pissed.” We compromised and selected Linda’s friend Teri—whom we both agreed was a great chef—as caterer.
We now had no food for the wedding. Fortunately I had plan B ready to go. Costco! I got in the car with my folks, drove to Costco, and got everything we needed for a wonderful party, except the cake. Linda left this all to me, as I think she was overwhelmed and just wanted to rest at home.
I know that the stress of the wedding was getting to her. Emotionally, she was a basket case, and the only thing that was keeping her going were the medications she was taking.
Most of the events of that day I think are similar to those shared by most couples while getting married.
When we picked up the tuxes, there was something wrong with every tux in the party. My best man’s tux simply did not fit. My shoes were the wrong size.
We spent the morning decorating the Parish Hall for the reception. The afternoon was for the wedding rehearsal itself. Then it was time for the next party.
My parents hosted the rehearsal dinner. Instead of a restaurant, we took a dinner cruise on the Willamette River. It was great and everyone had a wonderful time.
By the time we got back to our place Linda was exhausted and her emotions were out of control. Teri and I took Linda to our bedroom. Linda fell on the bed and started crying. We used relaxation techniques and the meds her doctor had given us to get her to sleep.
Then I left, because the groom is not supposed to see the bride on the wedding day. I would stay that night at the Holiday Inn near our house. The entire wedding party was staying there, minus Linda and Teri.
On the morning of the wedding I got up, meditated, and went for a swim before everyone else was up. Then the day started in earnest. David, my best man, and I got up and went to McDonald’s and got a big bag of Egg McMuffins for the wedding party.
While we were gone, Linda was driven to the hotel so she could use the suite I had stayed in to get her hair and makeup done. In fact, my brother-in-law (who is a professional hairdresser and travels all over the country teaching hair care to other hairdressers) set up a little beauty salon in the suite, and he did the hair of all the ladies in the bridal party—except Teri’s, as hers was much too short and sassy for him to do anything with.
While Linda’s hair was getting done, I returned to the hotel and sent David to the room with breakfast for everyone. I could not go in as I might see Linda.
Since Linda had moved in with me, I had a habit of leaving a love note in her bed each morning. This morning I was not there, but I found that in the suite there was a cabinet with a whiteboard inside. I put a note on the board, and then closed it. The note read.
Beloved
Here is your note!
You look great!
See you at the altar!
I love you!
You look great!
Love
O
When I sent David to the room with breakfast, I had him open the note for everyone there to see. I heard later that my brothers-in-law found themselves in trouble for not being so thoughtful. They never thought to leave love notes for my sisters.
I did not see Linda until she was walking to
me down the aisle. After David came back out to the car where I was waiting, I went to the church.
Linda told me later that by the time her hair and makeup were done, she was not doing very well—she was very anxious, and everyone in the room could tell. Linda had hired a makeup artist to do her makeup, and he took her across the parking lot to Starbucks to help calm her. I was very thankful for this.
We used cell phones to make certain that Linda and I stayed apart during the time we were not supposed to see each other. The rules do not say anything about talking to one another, so we did that on our cells.
It did not take long, though, before I found myself walking down the aisle. I had taken that walk hundreds of times as an acolyte or chalice bearer, but this time it was as a groom. I stood there as the wedding party assembled around me, and then we turned and watched my Beautiful Cutieful walk down the aisle, arm in arm with her father.
I stood there, entranced, with my hands crossed in front of myself just the way she remembered me standing when she first saw me. The bride has the right of surprise at the wedding. As the groom, the only thing that she had on that I had seen or heard about were the sneakers she was wearing under her wedding gown. The rest was a complete surprise to me.
On the other hand, Linda had been quite active in selecting my tux. I had to get her permission to wear my black sneakers, instead of the badly fitted shoes from the tux shop. The only surprise I had for her was that I had managed to secretly get new glasses for the wedding, and I was wearing gloves (I thought they lent a touch of class, not that I needed it).
The ceremony was wonderful. Linda, I, and the priest had worked hard writing the service using the standard as a base, but making little changes to make it our own. (What would you expect when the groom had trained to be a priest?) For example, instead of Linda’s father giving her away, both our parents gave us away.
One of the things that was important to me was that our first act as a married couple (after that kiss, that is) would be to partake of communion, and we did this.
The only time during the ceremony that Linda and I were allowed to sit down was while the priest was preparing the communion. Linda and I sat there talking so much that the priest had to come over and quiet us down. We were just so happy.
After the communion the priest introduced us as Mr. and Mrs. Odell Sneeden Hathaway, III, and we walked back up the aisle.
The pictures quickly followed—and a lot of paperwork. Linda was angry when the priest told her that on the forms she had to sign as Linda Belcher. She wanted to be rid of that name. As a child, the other children used to make fun of “The Belcher,” and she wanted that part of her life to be over.
Finally, we were able to rejoin our guests in the Parish Hall and the party. We walked in and the DJ announced Mr. and Mrs. Odell Sneeden Hathaway, III.
I think this was the moment Linda had been waiting for all her life. She was the center of attention. Everyone walked up to her and shook her hand. We had the dance floor all to ourselves, and every eye was on her while we danced around the floor to “A Whole New World” from Aladdin. This may have been the time that Linda was closest to heaven.
Not to say there were not problems. The biggest of these was the heat. It was August 4th, and yes, sometimes in the Northwest it gets hot.
But everyone had a great time and there were plenty of magic moments. Like cutting the cake, throwing the bouquet. By the way, did you know that today a bride does not have one bouquet, but several, including one just for throwing? We even got Linda a special bouquet to carry with her on the honeymoon.
David told a story from our high school days of how one day we were walking across the quad when some gang members came over and wanted to beat us up. I turned to the leader, put one hand over my face, and stuck my other hand through the arm over my face and said “LET’S RUMBLE!” As David demonstrated this, everyone at the reception broke up laughing. (The gang leader did not want to be seen beating up the freak; he left us alone.)
Once the first reception was over, a stretch limo came to drive us back to our house.
During all our planning, one of the things I opposed was hiring a DJ. I have to say now, “I was wrong.” The DJ was one of the best parts of the receptions—and I do mean the plural. He tore down his equipment and followed us to the barbecue.
The party just kept rolling. Once everyone was at our house, Linda and I changed into more comfortable clothes, and then went out to the backyard. In my family, there is a tradition of planting a new tree for each new life. So Linda and I planted a maple tree during the barbecue, to symbolize our new life.
After the tree was planted, I realized that we had forgotten something—and that that “something” was rather important. We had forgotten to pack for the honeymoon, so we got lost in our rooms packing, and just as the limo arrived to take us to the airport, we were ready.
There is something I want to point out about all the parties we had. They were all great and everyone had a wonderful time, and none of them had any alcohol. Toasts were done with sparkling cider.
It was a short drive to the airport, and we soon found ourselves (in first class) winging our way to Texas. OK, we were on our way to San Juan and the ship we were going to take for the honeymoon, but first we had to change planes in Dallas.
Neither of us had been on a cruise before, and did not know what to expect. When we got to our cabin, we walked in and found that it was decorated for a honeymoon. This was a surprise I had arranged for Linda before we left. There was a cake and presents waiting.
What I did not expect was the surprise that Linda had for me. Almost as soon as the door closed, Linda broke down in tears. All her hurt and anger started pouring out. I think the wedding was almost more than she could stand. She was a totally different person than I had ever seen. One thing she made clear was that she did not want me near her. She threatened to kill either me or herself.
Now this is not the way you want to start your honeymoon. Linda did finally calm down, but I could tell there was still this huge untapped pool of anger lying just below the surface. Once she calmed down, we went to dinner. On the way back to our cabin after dinner Linda seemed herself again, and the fact that our missing bags had shown up helped a lot.
Everything seemed to be getting better until the lifeboat drill. Linda hated rules and people telling her what to do. Being told to go stand in a group with hundreds of people surrounding her was not something she was able to deal with. Also, the paranoia from the rape was surfacing, and Linda simply could not stand to have anyone touch her. We stood at the end of a row, and I made certain to place myself so no one else would touch her.
After the lifeboat drill, the ship sailed and we went to bed to sleep. That was certainly not the wedding night I had expected.
The next morning Linda seemed better, but there was still something very wrong. We went to breakfast and talked.
“Linda, what’s wrong?”
“There’s something I have not told you: I did something terrible and I can never let you know what it was!”
“Linda, you can’t say something like that and not tell me. I have to know! You know I love you! We can deal with this—please tell me!”
“No!”
“Linda, I have to know and you need to tell me!”
“OK, I have had four abortions!”
“SO?”
I was shocked by this. Not that she had had abortions, but that she felt it was so terrible that she could not tell me about it. I knew that she had, in high school, given birth to a daughter and given her up for adoption (we had even started looking for her).
I may be a deeply spiritual person, but I am by no means a pro-lifer. In fact, now that I knew she had had one abortion before she gave birth to her daughter, I was more surprised that she had gone through with the second pregnancy than that she had had the other abortions.
I told her that that did not affect the way I felt about her or the love I had for her. I think that made her feel a lot better.
There were a lot of great moments on the honeymoon—times of closeness and joy. Each stop we have fond memories of. My favorite was Curaçao. When we got off the ship Linda was wearing a god-awful light blue pantsuit. Why she ever bought the thing, I will never know. We walked around and passed one shop with some beautiful outfits. They were nothing but a large piece of cloth, but when wrapped around the form of a woman, one on the top and one as a skirt, they did wonders. I bought Linda a few of these, and we went to lunch.
There were times of true intimacy and times that people might refer to as intimate. Often, Linda could not sleep, so at 3:00 in the morning we would walk around the deck.
At night, Linda wanted to get out and party, so several evenings found us out on the dance floor of the ship’s disco or enjoying a show. It was amazing to me that in our room Linda would be in tears. Out of it, Linda would be everyone’s friend. I was really surprised when I found her even chatting with the security guards whom she hated.
This was when I finally found out what “bipolar” and “rapid cycling” really is. Linda would go from the depths of despair to elated in a few heartbeats, and I never knew if it would be Dr. Jekyll or Mrs. Hyde I would find when I turned around.
The rest of the book tells the story of Linda’s life and how, after we got married, she became a crack addict—and how that finally killed her.
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