Meaning of Success? 03
Success? Dream — Being a Vulcan!
Being a Vulcan!
As I say, my love of space saved me and led me to my love of Star Trek—and my dream of being a Vulcan just like Spock.
He survived by not having emotions. I saw him and decided to do the same thing: I would be a Vulcan. I would learn logic, and I would not have emotions. A shrink would call it emotional suicide, but it was the only way I was able to survive. I wish I could tell you I was good at it. But the fact that I tried so many times to kill myself—or that I used to cry myself to sleep—tells me I never really learned emotional control, at least not to the level of a Spock.
I think I was 13 years old when I started meditating, all because Spock and his father Sarek meditated. Back then, meditating meant trying to still the voice in my mind and learning to listen. As a young adult my priest introduced me to Eknath Easwaran and his style of meditation. I had been meditating for almost 10 years at that point and have continued to this day. In fact, I’ve recently returned to my old style of meditating, feeling it gives me a better connection.
Spock also gave me my vocation. I work as a computer programmer. How I managed that, I really do not know. In 1977 my parents bought a computer for their business, and I just started programming it. It came naturally to me. I think all those years of trying to learn to think logically helped.
Spock gave me my first understanding of discipline—something totally missing from my upbringing—and I’ve had to develop it as an adult, which is not easy. I wish I were a lot more disciplined than I am. I have meditated almost every day for over 30 years (I might have missed five or six days). I get up every morning at 4:40 and go to the gym. I’ve developed other routines that help me, but I still feel like I should do more.
Another thing that “being a Vulcan” helped me develop was imagination. When I was a youth group leader I saw how lacking that is in today’s world. Loving Star Trek helped me love other sci-fi and fantasy and led me to other great works—like Tolkien and Asimov.
Finally, Spock showed me that it was possible to be different and still be respected. To this day I have something of a martial attitude—my bosses and others don’t always know how to take it when I refer to them as “Sir.” When I was the general manager of an electrical engineering firm I wore a tie to work every day, even though most people wore T-shirts. I even find myself “marching” in the office sometimes—just to remind myself how, and because it feels good.
I would say that my dream of being a Vulcan gave me:
- The ability to survive not just my childhood but all the vicissitudes of life—earthquakes, dinner parties, even finding my wife dead on the laundry room floor.
- Discipline—both internal and external.
- Respect, and the idea that others could respect me.
- Imagination.
- Logic.
- Courage. Perhaps not the kind needed to walk up to strangers and talk to them—or even trust them—but the courage needed to build my own life. To say “L.A. stinks, I think I’ll move to Vancouver.”
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