How I See It: Reflections on spirituality, technology, and the art of everyday life

Christmas Letter 2010  Dear Friends, It is my custom at this time of year to celebrate with my friends by giving them the gift of self — to share with you some of what the last year has brought for me. Frankly, I am very surprised to be writing this letter at all. Last year I didn’t think I would make it to this Christmas — but you never know. If I had to name the year that’s ending, I would call it the year of change and anxiety . After I mailed last year’s Christmas letter, I learned that my Pater Seraphicus , Weaver Stevens — my teacher, mentor, spiritual guide, priest, analyst, and friend — had passed away. Weaver was one of the major forces that shaped who I am, and I miss him deeply. I am grateful for his writings, the videos we made before he retired from the priesthood, and most of all the memories, guidance, and wisdom he shared with me. The greatest compliment I ever received came from him over twenty years ago. I had asked whether he thought I should try to become ...

Grace My God, My Love, My Gift! I humbly ask you, the most wonderful of all beings, who by being sacrificed for me made sacrifice the most wonderful thing to be. Please bless the sacrifice that this meal truly is. Bless the sacrifice of those who gave time, love, and sweat to plant it, harvest it, ship it, sell it, and prepare it. Bless those of us who by partaking of it, make it a sacrifice and those who are sacrificing by going hungry. But most of all bless those who like you died to become this sacrifice. Amen Next: Prayer for Maundy Thursday Previous: Even if there is a God, why do we worship?

New Doctor Brief Case History for New Endocrinologist I’m meeting a new endocrinologist on Wednesday. Here’s the short case history I wrote up, since my treatment primarily affects the endocrine system. Overview • Apr 2009: Paraneoplastic syndrome worsened—needed a cane, brain fog, sleeping 12–14 hours/day. • Jul 2009: Began steroid pulse therapy (IV prednisone 1000 mg). Rapid symptom relief, but effects faded within weeks, so I moved to 1000 mg IV every 4 weeks. Response and drift The infusions initially relieved most symptoms. By mid-Nov 2009 I relapsed for a few days before the next infusion; similar in Dec. We added extra pulses every 12 weeks. Over time, BP/pulse spikes lessened (by May my BP was 90/50 two days post-infusion), and benefits decreased: more stuttering/slurring, right foot turning out, odd shoe wear, blisters between big toe and ball of right foot. Gait video showed ankle turning in and poor lift; new shoes with extra arch support helped. Post-infusion ill...

So what did all the test show? For the week of September 27, I underwent a series of tests to see where things stand with my thyroid cancer. Sept 27: Blood work, a Thyrogen injection (artificial TSH to stimulate any thyroid cancer cells), and a neck ultrasound. Sept 28: Second Thyrogen injection. Within hours my voice became very hoarse. Nurses, doctors, and my own searches haven’t seen this listed as a side effect. Sept 29: PET scan and 3.9 mCi of radioactive iodine. Oct 1: Whole-body scan. Lab results: TSH is where it should be (0.03). Free T4 is 1.3 (slightly high). The troubling number is Thyroglobulin (TG). Four years post-thyroidectomy it should be 0; anything >10 suggests recurrence. Mine is 81. I thought my prior TG was 40 (which would be bad because it’s rising), but the only value found in the system was 160 (which would mean it’s falling). Either way, only thyroid cells make TG, so something is still out there. Ultrasound: No changes from six months ago. W...

A few thoughts while I am waiting. Right now, I’m in the waiting game. On Friday, I’ll see my surgeon to review the results of my latest tests and figure out a plan for going forward. I’m seeing the surgeon because my endocrinologist is currently on medical leave. Before facing whatever comes on Friday, I wanted to look back at this year’s medical rollercoaster. The last time I wrote was in January. Since then, I’ve had my share of ups and downs — including four different cancer scares that, thankfully, turned out to be nothing. I also went through some very painful physical therapy. It turns out I’ve had so much radiation that the muscles in my neck have begun fusing together, and they had to be gently pulled apart. In April, I needed to use my cane again for a few days until I could get more steroids. My doctor has now decided I’ll need extra treatments every three months to stay on my feet. In June, I noticed my shoes were wearing out quickly because of what’s called a “...

Why can’t we make time go faster? I was talking on the phone with my sister while she was driving my nephew to an appointment. He’s about six. I won’t tell you how old she was. He kept interrupting, asking how much longer it would be. Finally, he said something that stopped me: “Why can’t we make time go faster?” After we hung up, I realized I hadn’t really answered his question. Most adults might say, “Because,” or “We can’t.” But I wish I had told him that there is a way to control how time feels — and it’s simpler than most people think. The problem is that time works backward. If you try to make it go faster, it slows down. If you try to slow it down, it speeds up. Remember the old saying: a watched pot never boils. That was not an easy lesson for me to learn. In school, I would sit down to take a test and rush through it, constantly checking the clock in a race to finish before time ran out. Most of the time, I lost that race. Then one day I tried something ...

I'm starting to write a new chapter in my life, but I need a leading lady! Posted early 2010 One of my deepest pleasures is simply showing the woman I love that I love her. I’m affectionate and take time to show I care — listening, holding your hand, and, when I step on your toes, saying I’m sorry and meaning it. (Yes, I was taught that love means always having to say you’re sorry.) I’m a remarkable person — just ask anyone who knows me! They’ll tell you I’m funny, intelligent, romantic, shy, honest, spiritual, dependable, and above all — different. I enjoy peaceful pursuits like dining out, cooking at home (I’m a great cook!), watching a movie, going to the theater, taking long walks, holding hands, and gazing into someone’s eyes. I love an early-morning swim when the pool is empty, or listening to the rain while watching a fire and holding you close. It all sounds good to me. The last few years have been a time of trial and growth. They’ve given me a new respect for who...