Chapter 00: Introduction

Introduction

I need to start this book by saying that I loved my wife dearly and there was little I would not have done to save her from her fate. Having said that, some might wonder why I would publish the things I am about to publish.

The reason is simple. Six years ago, I did not know that I did not understand drug addiction. Today, I am certain that I do not.

I think most people are like me, living in ignorance as to what the term “drug addict” means. I like to consider myself a libertarian. I like to think people should be free to make their own decisions and control their own lives.

I used to think people should have the right to choose if they want to do drugs or not. Now I know that the words “choose” and “drugs” cannot truly be used in the same sentence. Yes, at some point for every addict a choice was made to do drugs. But the choices quickly disappear until the user becomes a slave.

The first-time user cannot possibly understand what they are setting themselves up for, especially if that first time happens when they are young. There may be people who use drugs once and never use them again. These people are lucky, although they have taken a terrible risk. The monster of drug addiction can sleep for years and emerge without warning. No one can tell in advance that he will not get hooked, and once hooked he is hooked for life, having to struggle each day to stay clean. There is no such thing as a recovered drug addict. The best anyone can do is to be a recovering addict. The only way to be safe is to NEVER start.

My wife could, and did, go for years without using. But in the end, the monster still gained almost total control of her, stripping away almost every vestige of her dignity. They turned her from a beautiful, caring woman who would never do anything to hurt others into an evil, stealing “crack-whore” and finally, into a corpse.

I would like to tell you that I have some answers to the problem of drug addiction. But I do not know whether there are any answers. I watched my wife go to AA meetings daily. She spent weeks in inpatient treatment, therapy, everything we could think of, and still she died. I called the police several times, telling them who, where, and when they could catch someone dealing drugs and they, overwhelmed by the problem, did nothing.

Sometimes, I think that the answer is a real “War on Drugs.” Nuclear assaults on Columbia, Afghanistan, and anywhere else the drugs come from.

These thoughts are born out of rage and despair, not reason. We should understand that it feels as though the survival of the human race is on the line, and in moments like that, a few million collateral deaths can begin to seem unimportant.

It is clear to me that the real problem is not the people who make the drugs or those poor people that live near where they are made. The problem is people like my wife, who use them. The only real answer is to find a way to stop people from using drugs. But none of the methods so far are working. Law enforcement is a joke. Education does not get the message across. Maybe each morning in school before the Pledge of Allegiance, the teacher should tell the students about all the people in their town that died yesterday from drugs, starting in preschool.

Maybe the answer is to realize that there is no hope for the drug user. Perhaps we need a death penalty for using. There would be no court or trial. Instead, we should sell substances that look like drugs, but when someone takes them they die. Flood the market. When someone, like my wife, takes drugs they think they will survive. What if they knew I have a one in ten, one hundred, one thousand chance that the drugs I am taking are real and not poison. What if strip bars and back alleys filled up with the corpses. Maybe the person who has never used would think twice.

As I said, I do not know what the answer is. It is possible that there is no answer and the human race has passed the point of no return.

To understand the problem, I think my wife’s story might be of some benefit. If people had a better glimpse of what really happened to one person instead of the glamorized drug use we see on TV and in movies, it might help us all think and decide what to do.

Some reading this story will say I was an enabler. I know they would be right.

But to tell the truth, I do not think it would have changed the ending much if I had told my wife to get lost. The means of her death and the time might have changed, but I think she still would have died.

Many have told me that I could not rescue my wife. That may be true, but I would like to think that I gave her the best possible chance of living. I know that the manner of her death, whether alone on the street or in her own home, she is still dead. But in my opinion, I gave my wife back something that she had lost. When I met her, I did not know this then, she was on disability, running out of money and time. When she died, she was working and building a life, which the drugs stole from her and from me. Yes, I do think I saved her, at least some part of her.

I am not a doctor or a drug treatment specialist. I know they are just as lost as the rest of us. Despite their best efforts, my wife still died. I have no formal training in any of this. All I am is a man who fell in love with a wonderful woman, then had to watch her die. I do not know how to connect the dots and show you the cause and effect relationships of her life. All I can do is try to tell you her story, at least her story the way I saw and participated in it. While she was alive, I told her that she should write her life story so that she could inspire people, that she might get to be on Oprah. Of course this was when I believed she was going to survive.

Really, the story will be hers and mine.

I may end up giving you more detail than you want or need. Some facts I give in Chapter Two may not seem relevant until you read Chapter Four. But I will do my best to show you the things I think might be related. Since I do not know how to tell this story, all I can do is try to tell it from the beginning.

Next: Chapter 01 - Childhood and Adolescence

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