Chapter 06: Linda and Odell Engaged!

Linda and I were now engaged; our lives were turning around and starting to take shape. A queen had come to live in my castle. Although I was almost 40, I would finally be a man. I know that these are not popular points of view in our narcissistic society but it is how I felt (and feel) that I am not complete without someone to share my life with.

I know that there are men out there brave enough to buy the engagement ring without asking the woman’s opinion. I am not one of those men, and I only had a few hours from Linda’s wanting to know where our relationship was heading to asking her to be mine.

But I could not let this day go by without a ring of some kind. So after we got off the phone with Linda’s father we went out to a jeweler and got Linda a promise ring. I had told Linda that I did not think I would be able to get her the real ring until the New Year, but we started looking at them right away.

At one store, the salesperson showed us something called Moissanite. It is almost as hard as diamonds and more brilliant- the only way for a jeweler to distinguish know if it from a diamond is with a special test, and it only cost ten percents much.

“You know Linda, if we could get a Moissanite stone instead of diamond, we could get the ring right away,” I said, but saying that to Linda was a bit of a mistake.

This statement set Linda off. Now we had to find the stone right away- the search was on in earnest. That first store did not have the shape stone that Linda wanted (an oval) so we searched from Salem to Seattle. We had a design in mind for the ring but needed the stone to fit it. The more we searched and failed to find that stone, the more depressed Linda got. This was a big deal, far more than I realized and we had to find the stone. The ring was becoming a driving force in her life. Like Gollum (from the “Lord of the Rings”) always searching; obsessed with it.

Finally, we were driving home from Seattle, having spent the day up there looking at Moissanite stones and not finding anything that matched what Linda wanted (and had to have). Linda was close to despair. Linda wanted an oval stone. That became the only thing that was important to Linda, and we just were not finding any ovals not in Moissanite or diamond. Linda’s dream of her ring was slipping away as was Linda herself. She was so depressed, distant, angry. She started talking:

“You know maybe this is a sign, maybe we just aren’t meant to be together?”

As she was saying this and I was getting desperate myself, I saw a mall coming up.

“There is a mall in Long View, how about we stop there and see if they have anything?”

“OK, but do you really think you can find anything in Long View?”

We walked into the mall and up to the jeweler’s window. I looked down and there were several oval Diamonds:

“Well there’s an oval, and There and THERE!”

The guy must have had ten ovals sitting out on display.

“Hi there! I am looking for an oval diamond for my fiancée’s engagement ring.”

“Well, we have a large selection. Let me show you.”

The salesman showed us ten more. He did not have any Moissanite, but Linda was in heaven. (By this time I wanted to have the ring! Waiting was no longer an option and I had plastic.) We examined each and I decided which I was going to get.

“I also have several wonderful settings for these stones.” said the salesman.

“That’s OK, we already had a design we just need the stone.”

“I understand, but let’s have some fun, just so you can see what the stone will look like on a ring.”

He put a ring on Linda’s finger and a stone on it. It was nice. Then he tried another and another. Then he put one on and I noticed something.

“Linda, breathe!” I said.

Linda had stopped breathing. I had heard the term ‘took my breath away’ but until that moment I had never seen it. I knew I had to get her that ring.

“Linda, why don’t you go window-shopping, while we talk.”

Linda stood up, kissed me and almost skipped as she left the store and I bought her ring.

Unfortunately, mounting the stone would take a few days. But we now had her ring with a 0.75Carat (ct) diamond oval. Now that might sound a little small but the way it was cut it looked much bigger and the ring itself had 0.30ct of other diamonds on it, so the total was more than 1.00 ct. Linda seemed so happy.

The next morning, I woke to have my heart broken. I found Linda phoning other jewelers to see if she could get a bigger stone.

Since Linda had been working, many things had improved. One was the fact that Linda now had not only Medicare, but she also had good medical coverage at work. This meant that Linda was finally able to start getting some of the help she needed. She started seeing a therapist on a regular basis. She could see a psychologist to get her medications adjusted and start weaning her off the meds. We wanted to get Linda off those meds so we could start trying to get her pregnant (after we were married). While her doctors did not know of any dangers her meds would cause to the baby, we felt it was better for her not to be on them while pregnant.

One of the biggest improvements was that she now had dental coverage. Linda had the worst teeth in the world. She must have had ten root canals during the time I knew her. There was never a time that there was not something wrong with her teeth. Unfortunately, she hated going to the dentist and she would have some problems fixed and leave others until they became emergencies. Even with her coverage, we started pouring a fortune into her mouth.

Linda also used these dental emergencies to supply her with the pain killers she needed. Each time she went in, she would insist on getting pain meds even for a simple filling. If they did not give her a prescription, she would call them in the middle of the night to get one. I know where all the 24-hour pharmacies in my area are.

With all the improvements, money was still a major problem. Linda simply did not understand money or how it worked, and I simply did not understand how anyone could not understand how money worked. When she first moved in with me, we got her a checking account and she kept overdrawing it. So I would have to deposit money in her account to cover bounced checks.

Now that we were engaged, I decided that I needed to take control of the finances, so we combined our money. We closed our separate checking accounts and opened a joint account. Linda still had access to the money (it was hers, too), but she had my money backing her up and now she even had a credit card.

All my life I worked to have great credit. I was concerned that mixing Linda’s credit with mine was going to hurt my credit, and I am certain it did. I do not know if it helped, but I felt that I should get Linda’s credit cleaned up before we were married and officially combined our credit. So I paid off all of Linda’s debts, or at least I consolidated them to one loan that was not past due.

That year for Thanksgiving, we drove to Los Angeles to visit our families there. This trip was something of a disaster. Linda had a huge problem dealing with things changing. We had set our wedding date to be June 30th, 2001, two years from the day we met.

When we got to LA one of my sisters told us:

“Well, I have some big news, I am afraid that I will not be able to come to the wedding, at least not on June 30th. You see I just found out that I am expecting and my due date is July 2nd”.

This news destroyed Linda. She ended up staying in our hotel room for the rest of the day, barely able to get out of bed.

Then we had a problem with the photographer for the wedding. My father is a professional photographer and I asked him to do the job.

“Dad, would you please be the photographer for the wedding?”

“Sure, James and I can do that!” (James is one of my younger brothers)

These were not the words Linda had wanted to hear, and later on, Linda became incensed with me!

“That is not acceptable, why didn’t you do something! Your father is supposed to be the photographer - not James!”

The next time I saw my dad I had to ask him again.

“Dad I need to know that you will be the photographer. James can help you, but it is very important to Linda that you are the photographer.”

When we got home, we spent several days looking at different dates for the wedding and decided on August 4th, 2001. We thought this date would give Susan time to recover, and since it was in the summer people with kids could still attend.

I was a fool. I had thought back when I was still in control of my life that I would ask Linda to marry me on Christmas Eve and we would get married on June 30th. I had no idea what it takes to get married.

The first question was where we were going to get married. Linda was only working part time and had the time to call all the churches in our area and found that none of them would let someone get married there who had not been a member for some time. That is, none except one. Oddly, this was the church that I had attended occasionally. I was not a member (officially) but I was not a stranger. Also, it was the same faith as I am - most of my life I have been an Episcopalian. They were willing to let us get married there.

Then you have to have someplace for the reception. Linda and I visited a lot of reception halls, but we simply could not afford any of them.

“You know, Odell, it is really important that we have a great wedding! If these places are too expensive, we should just go into debt to pay for them!”

“But Linda, we are going into debt to pay for the wedding, there is no doubt about that. We just need to make certain that we can climb back out of debt someday!”

Finally, we decided to use the hall at the church, for a first reception. We would have two wedding receptions. The first would be in the parish hall of the church; the second would be in our own backyard. We wanted to spend as much time as we could with the friends who were coming from all over the country to be with us on that day. (But at 11:00pm the night of the wedding we had a plane to catch. So we had a BBQ in the backyard while we finished getting ready for the honeymoon).

One of the largest problems in a wedding are the dresses- not just the bridal gown but all the dresses, the bridesmaids’, the flower girls’, even the mothers’. Linda had searched all over the place. When Linda and I visited Los Angeles for Linda’s bridal shower, we even searched there.

Linda finally settled on the dresses she wanted and they were ordered.

Unfortunately, things were not going well with Linda working. Linda was doing a good job at work, but she was constantly afraid that she would get fired. There was no reason for her to feel this way, but she did, and it was tearing her up inside. One day in March (4 months before the wedding), Linda got a phone call from one of her sisters telling her that her bridesmaids’ dress had not arrived, and it looked like it was lost.

When Linda heard this her fears overwhelmed her. She could not get out of bed to go to work the next morning. I took her to an emergency visit with her therapist but they could not find any answers. After the session, Linda decided to change therapists and quit work. She said she wanted to devote herself to the wedding and go back to work as soon as the wedding was over. The fact was, her condition was getting worse, and she was not able to work.

I knew she was spending a lot of money going out to eat during the day when I was not with her. In fact, now that I look back, I think she was spending that money drinking.

She had said she was going to devote herself to the wedding, but she did very little about it. The things that needed to be done, I ended up doing. Most days she just stayed home and slept.

Linda and I had searched all over the place looking for the invitations we wanted. I was amenable to most anything. Linda, on the other hand, was just as set against everything we saw.

Finally, Linda saw some handmade invitations that she liked. I saw that while they would take a lot of time to make, they would look lovely and give Linda something to do. Or at least she said she would make them. As time started getting closer to the day we needed to mail the invitations, she was no closer to getting started then on the day we got the supplies. So I had to step in and make them all myself.

This story is not about answers, but I do have a suggestion for the guys out there when they are getting married. If your intended comes home with a copy of Martha Stewart’s book on wedding planning, BURN IT!

Linda’s need for rules went into overdrive. I remember I was typesetting the invitations and we spent twenty minutes trying to find that book, because Linda could not decide on a certain word and needed to see what the omnipotent Stewart had to say. It drove me nuts.

The one part of sending the invitations that Linda did help with was that when we would take a batch to the post office, she insisted on putting each invitation in the mail box separately one at a time after looking at the envelope.

With the approach of our big day Linda and I also started doing something new - throwing parties. I did not think it was a big deal, but to Linda it was huge. It is a little odd. I am an introvert and Linda was outgoing, but she had never had a dinner party for friends in her life.

I soon found out why. Linda’s fear of being judged was crippling to her. The closer the time of the party, the more anxiety Linda felt. She was almost completely useless as far as getting things ready. She could not even set the dinner table.

By the time our friends arrived for the first party, I was scared to death. Linda was almost a complete basket case unable to move, lying in bed. That was until the doorbell sounded. From that moment on Linda was the life of the party. I was scared that no one, not even Linda would have a good time, because Linda was so bad off. But Linda loved it, and so did our friends.

I think we had three parties like this. There were never more than six people, but each time it was the same story. In the hours leading up to the party, Linda would deteriorate, and then once people were there she had a great time. I only wish she could have remembered that she did, because as the next party would approach, she would want to cancel, thinking she would not have a good time.

As the day for the wedding got closer, Linda’s nervousness and fear got worse. Instead of weaning her off the medications, they were trying new meds to help her get through the event. She was becoming more and more dependent.

Finally, about a week before the wedding, things broke. It was very early in the morning, the sun was not even up. I was sound asleep when Linda woke me. (Back then, because of my snoring; we slept in separate rooms). Linda was in tears. she told me:

“Odell, I love you, but there are something’s that I have not told you and I am afraid!”

I pressed her closer to me and said “Like what?

“Well, you know I told you that my dad had some money for me! Well, there is no money, I was lying!”

“Even when you called him and asked about the check for your outfit?”

“Yes, he never answered the phone! Also you remember that guy I lived with in Texas?”

“Yes?”

“Well, I stole a lot of money from him, about $100,000. That is how I got my car and all the furniture and had money to live while I was in Astoria.”

“Anything else?”

“I am just so ashamed that I did not tell you earlier and that I tried to steal from you! Can you forgive me?”

That was a big question. It was not just about forgiving her, it was also about trusting her in the future. During a huge part of our relationship she had not just been misleading me but out and out lying, trying trick me, and stealing from me. I lay there holding her in my arms while she cried and I thought. But it did not take me long. I asked myself a simple question, and it cleared it all up for me. “What if this were a few days after the wedding and not a few before, would you leave her?” The answer was “NO!” It did not matter that we had not yet stood in front of the church and said taken vows. In my heart at least, this beautiful and scared woman was already my wife.

She asked me “Do you still want to marry me?”

I pulled her closer, kissed her and said “YES!?”

This is not to say that I was not worried by what had happened. Most of all, I was worried about Linda’s need for forgiveness. While we were preparing for the wedding we had had counseling with the parish priest and had become friends with him. I thought Linda trusted him so I suggested that Linda go and talk to him.

Most people know that the Roman Catholics practice confession. Most (even Episcopalians) do not know that the Episcopal Church still offers it as well! We call it “The Reconciliation of a Penitent.” I asked Linda to go to church and confess what she had done and receive absolution (or forgiveness). She told me that the priest took her in to the columbarium (a room just off the church where the urns of past members are stored). There she got on her knees and told him everything and he gave her God’s forgiveness. Of course I do not know everything she told him. That part is sacred between her, the priest, and God.

 

Next: Chapter 07 - Our Big Days

Previous: Chapter 05 - Broken Up with Odell

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