Chapter 08: Our Life Together Before Drugs

Our Life Together Before Drugs

When we got home from our honeymoon, we were planning on starting our life and family. Linda was going to open a medical transcription service from our home and go back to school.

But that started to change when we arrived. The first thing that met us at the house was a letter from Social Security saying that they needed to review Linda’s disability to determine whether she was still eligible. The effect of this was devastating to Linda. SSDI was not enough to live on, but it was the only income Linda had and she did not want to lose it.

When I asked Linda to marry me, I was convinced that she did not belong on disability, but now, after the events that had happened, I had my doubts that she was ready to support herself or help support us. It’s hard for most people to understand just how bad off she was and how she simply was not able to work. I had hoped that with time she would be, but she was not ready then. Just the thought of losing this support made her condition worse. SSDI is truly addictive.

After receiving the letter I tried to calm Linda.

“Linda, you told me that from time to time you have to be reviewed and it’s only a formality.”
“No, Odell, they are doing this on purpose. Since I worked for so long at the hospital, they have decided to throw me off. I never should have worked there. What am I going to do?”
“You know Linda I make enough money to support us, we don’t need the SSDI.” I could tell by the look on her face that I had insulted her by even thinking this. “Besides, we can talk to your doctors and therapists and they will tell SSDI that you are in no shape to work.”
“Odell I need to be able to take care of myself. What if something happens to us?”
“Linda, I love you! Nothing is going to happen to us!”
“Do you really think that we can convince SSDI that I am still disabled?”
“Of course we can, Beautiful!”

The next day we got in touch with Linda’s doctors and started working on her review. They were very supportive and told us that this was nothing more than a formality and that Linda was definitely still eligible.

After we had been back from our honeymoon for about two weeks, Linda called me at work with a glorious announcement. We were pregnant. That night I took her to dinner at one of the best restaurants in Portland to celebrate. Linda was so thrilled and so certain. There was just one small problem. The pregnancy had not been confirmed. Linda felt she must be a few days past her period. Of course, as her periods had not been occurring regularly for some time, we could not be sure. But she was certain this was it; she just felt pregnant.

On the way home from dinner we stopped and got a home pregnancy test and it came back negative. The next day, Linda had a blood test. It also was negative but not conclusive, because it would still be too early for any test to show a positive result.

While this was going on, Linda became restless and needed some time away. She wanted to go to visit her friend Betty who had moved from Astoria to Seattle. I did not want to be parted, but I agreed, and Linda went up to visit her. I think Linda became jealous of Betty while she was there. Betty, now that her kids had moved out, was living a free single’s life while Linda had tied herself down with me.

Part of Linda’s visit was to go to a different doctor and have the blood work redone. She was still not pregnant.

Linda could not understand what had happened. We had had unprotected sex once. Why wasn’t she expecting? She thought that so many times in her past when she did not want to get pregnant she found herself that way. It was not fair that now it did not just happen.

I pointed out that if we tried a little harder and perhaps tried having sex more often, it would be more likely. For some reason, Linda did not really like that idea. I think Linda felt that this was her due and she should not have to work to achieve it, while I thought the act offered its own compensation for both of us. But I kept my mouth shut about that.

In fact since Linda had moved in with me, our carnal adventures had become less and less frequent. For some reason, Linda was simply not interested in sex the way she had been. I was very hurt by this, but I did not marry her just for access to her nether regions.

We talked about it. She told me that it was not what we did or how I treated her; I was one of the most attentive and creative lovers she had ever had. It was just that she was not interested in doing anything. Her drive, which had been huge in the past, was now almost gone.

In fact, I think there was also something else going on. For the first time in Linda’s life, sex was optional. She knew I loved her, sex or no. This was probably the first relationship she ever had like that.

As the weeks went by, we started to develop a pattern. Once or twice a month, I would be requested to make a deposit, and once a month Linda was convinced that she was pregnant and had to be tested. Linda never was pregnant, and each month the cycle got worse.

Dealing with change was just something that Linda was not very good at and the changes that were going on in our life were overwhelming her. Most of the changes that Linda was not able to deal with were not even real.

Changes like not being pregnant when she should have been, or being married and trying to live up to an image of marriage in her mind that she was not capable of attaining and I was not interested in having, bothered Linda. Linda thought she should be the little homemaker and yet I can only think of three or four times in our life that she even made me a meal. But Linda beat herself up every day about that.

Into all of this confusion and lack of control came the morning of 9/11. Linda and I were still sleeping in separate rooms because of my snoring, and I used to go to work early, as I worked from 7 to 4. I was getting ready to leave for work when I turned on the TV to keep me company. I saw an image of one of the towers of the world trade center on fire. Apparently, an airplane had smashed into it.

At first, I did not think much of that. Some jerk in a small plane must have screwed up big time. And besides I knew that in the 1930‘s a bomber had hit the Empire State Building and it survived. But I also knew that Linda had lived near the towers when she lived in New York, so I thought I might take the risk, waking Linda was always risky, and see if she wanted to see what was going on. I was almost to her door when the second plane hit.

That was when I knew the world had just changed, and we were under attack. I do not know what everybody else thought, but my first thought was of the Muslim fundamentalists, they were followed closely by the cocaine syndicates.

I got Linda up and we watched the coverage. Then we called Linda’s parents and mine to let them know what was going on. It was hard to leave Linda during the first minutes of a war, but I had to get to work. I told Linda to make certain she stayed in touch. I was very concerned that this was the opening blows of something much more bloody, that more attacks would happen soon. As I drove to work I heard about the Pentagon.

Linda could not deal with change, and I was scared because I knew that big changes might be coming. I was even concerned about getting home that night. I live in a city of bridges and I did not think it would take much to cut off my retreat.

When I got to work, I called Linda and wanted her to go to the store and get some supplies. I was worried that the next target would be the power grids.

The next several weeks were made much harder on Linda by these events. She was caught between needing me if something happened, and not wanting to live with the fear.

Linda’s fear was not helped when the company I was worked for started having severe financial problems, and I was certain that it was only a matter of time before I got laid off. I was doing what I could to help Linda deal with these changes, mostly by racing with my layoff and trying to find a new job before I lost the old one.

Unfortunately, I lost that race. A few days into November I was laid off. This sent Linda it to a deep depression. While I was out of work there were some days she did not get out of bed.

I had already started looking for a new job before I lost the old one. In fact I had a job interview for the day after I was laid off, for a much better job than my old one. Much better because I used to have to drive 25 miles one-way to work and now I would be working only three miles away. Better because it was a much larger and more secure company. Better because its size meant that I would now be able to concentrate on my job while others took care of details that were not what I wanted to be doing.

I was out of work for less than three weeks.

Since we got married, Linda’s attitude was becoming more and more angry. She wanted to have a so-called normal life. She volunteered to be a Sunday school teacher at the church where we were married. She volunteered us to run the Christmas pageant that year. But the more we failed to live up to her standards, the madder she got.

Linda was making efforts but her ability to try was getting eroded. She was taking classes at the local community college, but was doing so poorly that she finally dropped out.

The Christmas pageant was a disaster. Nothing went the way Linda wanted it to go. She had never been involved in something like this. She had never worked with kids and she did not have any idea how to relate to them or to understand that controlled chaos is the best you can hope for. In the end, she dropped out, leaving me to run the thing alone.

Christmas was also a huge problem. We were spending money like crazy, but Linda wanted to spend a lot on our families and I had to tell her we did not have it to spend.

Finally, it was Christmas Eve and the pageant was over. I had gotten us a hotel room on the coast for that evening and we were driving there after the service. Linda was in, one of the most foul moods I had ever seen her in.

As we drove through the night, we talked and Linda was mad. I do not remember what we were talking about but I do remember what she said to me. “You really hurt me! I hope you’re happy!”

That was more than I could take. All our life together from when we met until the day I typed this there were many times when I asked Linda why she did something and she told me, “ because I wanted to hurt you.” But never did I do anything for the purpose of hurting her, and never could I take Carol at her being hurt.

I was so hurt that she said this that I slammed on the brakes and nearly stopped the car, with the intention of getting out and walking away. Hopefully, into oncoming traffic. But there was no oncoming traffic. So I continued driving to the hotel.

When we got to the hotel, I was still hurting and Linda was still mad. In the room I took a chair on to the balcony and just sat there thinking about throwing myself off. Finally, Linda demanded that I come in. She did not understand why I was so upset and besides, it was time for another deposit.

The next morning was Christmas Day. I spent the day trying to make up to Linda.

December turned to January and still we were not pregnant. I was not surprised by this, but I wanted to show Linda that I was doing everything I could and trying to support her. So I found a male fertility tester online and ordered it. February was Linda’s birthday, and I gave her the test for her birthday present. We had some fun taking the test, but the results were incomprehensible. It seemed that there was something wrong with my semen.

This unfortunately made Linda feel even worse and she started to blame me for our not getting pregnant. Later she told me that she looked into getting sperm from a sperm bank and not telling me.

By the end of the month Linda’s mood was still pretty bad, when one of her friends from Astoria name Wilma wanted to know if it would be ok for her to come and stay with us for a couple of nights so they could go dancing at some blues clubs.

I jumped at this and so did Linda. A chance for Linda to spend some time with her friends and get her mind off things sounded like a good idea. On February 20th, 2002 Wilma came to stay with us and Linda and she went out. On Friday the 21st they also went dancing. Saturday the 22nd Wilma had to go home. But Linda still wanted to party. She told me that she was going to go dancing by herself.

Linda had told me about her dancing many times. How she went and joined a group of girls who all danced together. This was not about sex or drugs, it was about rock and roll and Linda’s needing to escape and feel free.

I was hurt but Linda made it clear that she did not want me to go with her. As I could not say no, I agreed.

On Thursday and Friday the girls had both been home by 12:00am so I expected Linda was going to be home by then as well.