From the Michael-Light Connections

From the Michael-Light Connections, (the news letter of the Order of Agape and Reconciliation (O.A.R)) Volume 6 October 1991

I received the message that Sister left on my answering machine when I returned home from a retreat that Weaver was leading down here. It was a wonderful chance to spend some time with him. I know that I still owe you a story and so I hope to give that to you during this letter, but before I begin I want to thank you for the magnificent time I had while I was in Canada; it meant a great deal to me, and I look forward to the time when I will be able to be with you again.

It goes without saying that at a point in the past (in my case nearly 30 years ago) I was born. There is very little distinction in this and only slightly more in the fact that I was born in California, where I was raised and still live. I would like to say that I have led a happy life, but that would not be true. When I was in second grade, I finally received a distinction (one I did not want or deserve): I was diagnosed as being mentally retarded.

It is strange how those words changed my life! Everyone treated me differently—my parents, my teachers, and my classmates. It was a horrible time, but it was a time that started me on my spiritual journey. The only one who did not change toward me was God. I knew that He existed (I may have had—and still have—some questions as to His or Her nature; after all, how could He let this happen to me?), but I never doubted that He exists. And so I would cry myself to sleep each night with the prayer, “God, please kill me before I wake up.” As I say, it was an awful time. In fact, it was so bad that it forced me to start meditating and working with “the silence.”

My first mantra—some 20 years before I learned what one was—was “I am a Vulcan” (referring to a fictional race of beings who overcame violence and hatred by overcoming emotions). If you would like to learn more about the Vulcans, see the original Star Trek TV show. I tried to kill off all emotions in myself as I tried to bring my mind under control. By the time I was in high school, I was trying to control my mind with silence, in an effort to stop the little voice in my head and find the peace that the silence offered me.

While I was in junior high, I had the good fortune to meet my spiritual advisor and good friend, the Rev. Weaver Stevens. He is a life-professed member of the Order and Rector of our parish, St. Michael and All Angels, in Studio City, California, USA. Over the years, Weaver—either indirectly through his sermons (I could not count the number of times I have sat in church listening to one of his sermons and found that he was speaking directly to me), his writings and retreats, or directly (when we have spoken face to face)—has acted as a guide to help me with my journey. It was through him that I came to the Order.

One day, a few years ago, Weaver and I were talking when I asked him to recommend a retreat house so I could go on retreat for my vacation. I had been on several weekend retreats but wanted a longer experience. At once, Weaver said that I should go and see his friends in Canada, and before I knew what was happening, I was making plans to leave the United States for the first time.

When I got to Nanaimo, I felt at home as soon as I saw Father Cyril. I knew it was he at once, because he was wearing the same cross Weaver usually wears at the altar. But I really found out how special the Order is the next day when I began my retreat. As I said above, my first mantra was “I am a Vulcan.” Well, Fr. Cyril gave me my first assignment, and the theme for the day was “I am a member of the human family!” Somehow, I had come full circle. I was—and I am—scared by the journey, but I am also stronger for having made it, and I'm ready to move forward.

At the end of the retreat, I took my first-year vow. After completing the first year, I have now taken my five-year vow as an Associate while at the second retreat last February 1990.

Well, I hope that the above is of some use to you, and I also wanted to let you know that you are free to use any of my other writings (Sister mentioned using my piece on The Old Man and the Sea—please do; a writer writes to be read). I look forward to seeing you in the future—either up there in Chemainus or if you come down here in Los Angeles—please look me up.

Yours in Christ,
Odell Hathaway

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