How I See It: Reflections on spirituality, technology, and the art of everyday life

A post opp update Posted Tuesday, December 2, 2008 at 3:58 PM Well, Tuesday I had my surgery and now I’m well on the road to recovery. There were no major surprises—“everything seemed to go well,” according to the surgeon. I was rolled into the OR at 3:00 PM; by 7:00 PM my surgeon was updating my parents, and by 10:00 I was in my room. The staff seemed surprised at how well I did. They kept waking me to ask about pain, and I kept telling them I wasn’t in any. All I really wanted to do was sleep. Around 2:00 AM I woke up and asked for something to drink. I’d been told the most important thing was to get up and walk as soon as possible, so by 3:00 AM (12 hours after surgery started) I was walking the oncology corridors, listening to other patients’ screams. I don’t know whether to feel lucky I’m not that bad off—or worried that I could get that bad. Wednesday morning I had pancakes while I waited to see my surgeon. I was told to expect a two-night stay, but when the surgeon s...

Christmas Letter 2008 Dear friends, It’s my custom this time of year to share the gift of self—to tell you a bit about what the last year has brought me. The happiest surprise was finding Facebook and reconnecting with so many friends. If you’re not on it, I recommend it—it feels more “grown-up” than other sites. As for the year itself… you know the Chinese curse: “May you live in interesting times.” That about covers it. But here’s more. The year began bittersweet. On Christmas Day I looked up from writing and saw snow—a light dusting, but still snow on Christmas. I was thrilled, then sad, thinking how much Linda would have loved it… or how our never-born children would have loved it. In February my old friend Mike Auerbach (since 2nd grade) visited to give me “hanging out” lessons—skills he thinks I’ll need to meet someone new. I wasn’t a great student. I’m following my mentor Weaver’s advice instead: “No hurry. Let the right woman find you. Make yourself beautiful wit...

Back to Knife Dear Friends, This morning I received a phone call from my Endo (Endocrinologist). He told me that the results of the MRI are back and that the growth is 1.2 x 10 mm. This is slightly larger than what can be treated with radiation alone, so I’ll (unless they change their minds again) be going under the knife — again. My Endo said, “We want to scrape out whatever we can before the radiation.” That doesn’t sound like fun to me. I have an appointment with my surgeon — the same one who did my last surgery — on Monday. He does good work (although he could use a personality transplant). Last time there was very little pain, and it healed well (see the pic). This week I also received my copy of the pathology report. This time it indicates that they found architecture of both papillary and follicular thyroid cancer. Last time it was only papillary cancer. Follicular is a much more aggressive strain. I asked my Endo about this, and he told me that I’m still considered to ...

It's back Dear Friends, This afternoon I got a call from my doctor. He told me that the biopsy confirmed I do, in fact, have papillary thyroid cancer. This is the same cancer I had two years ago. At that time, I had my thyroid removed and underwent radiation therapy. I was told that if you’re going to have cancer, thyroid is the kind to get — it’s the most easily treated of all the cancers. But when they removed it last time, they said it was in everything they touched — parathyroid, skeletal muscles, and lymph nodes. The doctor called it “massive and extensive.” This time it has appeared in a lymph node, so the sooner I get it out, the better. Now it’s back, and I’ll be starting treatment again as quickly as I can arrange it. The doctors still want to run some tests before surgery. I’m hoping to have it done the second week of November, but there’s a lot to do before then. Sometime this week, I hope to meet with my surgeon. After the surgery comes the radiation treatment....

A brief history of my medical problems (in case you don’t already Dear friends, Looking at the updates I have been posting (on Facebook) and the notes, it occurs to me that some of you who have only recently found me again might not know why I am having these tests and problems. So here is a brief (even though it is long) summary of what has been going on the last couple of years. In late 2005 I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis, and they found I had lumps on my thyroid. In January I was given a needle biopsy of the thyroid. After the biopsy (I do not know if my neurological problems are connected to this biopsy, but it started within 3 days) I began having various neurological symptoms including bilateral facial paralysis (at its worst I had to pinch my mouth closed to chew), sensitivity to light and sound, double vision, blurred vision (for months my eyeglass prescription would change almost daily), changes in sense of taste, nausea, fatigue, drooping eyelids (the r...

The Ultimate Killer App—Dear Bill An Open Letter to Bill Gates,The Ultimate killer App! Microsoft Corporation Attn: Bill Gates One Microsoft Way Redmond, WA 98052-6399 Subject: The Ultimate Killer App! My Dear Mr. Gates, Let me introduce myself. My name is Odell Hathaway. I have been a computer programmer since 1977, when my parents purchased their first computer for their business—an IBM 5100 Portable Computer. This was IBM’s attempt to develop a microcomputer that, of course, was eventually overshadowed by your DOS operating system and the IBM Personal Computer. As I say, I have worked as a computer programmer for over 30 years, man and boy. I have developed and maintained software both for companies with their own computers and software (developed in-house by me), and I have worked for companies that develop software or modify other people’s software (value-added resellers). While I am a fairly good developer of new software, I have found that I am also e...

Tax States Proportionately The Columbian Serving Clark County, Washington   July 21, 2008 Our Readers' Views Tax States Proportionately Instead of the United States taxing its citizens, I would suggest the federal government should tax the states and let each state decide how it will support the federal government. Each state would be responsible for a portion of the total federal budget, based on the number of representatives it has in Congress. Washington would owe 9/435ths of the total federal budget, Oregon 5/435ths, and California 53/435ths. The more say a state has over the budget, the more it pays. Control over taxation would move closer to the people. The federal budget would be balanced, states would not ask for so much from the federal government, and as states take less money, federal control over them would decrease. States’ rights would be strengthened. ...

Even if there is a God why do we Worship? A friend told me about a question their child asked them, and I was so moved that I wrote the following answer. Your mother told me of a question you asked her recently, and it has made me think and want to give you an answer. She said you asked, “Even if there is a God, why should we worship Him?” That is a truly great question, and I’ve been thinking about it a lot. The first thing that comes to mind is what is meant by worship. I know that church worship is normally what people think of — and for many, it is what’s important — but for others it’s too limiting and can sometimes try to trap God rather than worship Him. It’s like saying to God, “We’ll do all this for You, but You must be the way we say.” I’m not saying there’s nothing to be gained in church worship, but one has to be careful and stay connected to something deeper. To me, worship has a very simple meaning — Love . The two words are interchangeable. I worship my wife; I l...

Success? Lessons: Conclusions! Copyright ©, 2008 By Odell Sneeden Hathaway, III I would say that if today were my last day and I had to look back on my life I would see that while it was a painful slog, that I would never want to go through again on the whole I have done pretty dam good.  I feel that I would leave this world a somewhat better place then when I entered it.  While I may not have been an astronaut or lived some of my dreams I feel like I have lived up to the contents of those dreams. My biggest regret has to be not being able to answer my calling for The Girl I first loved.  But there are things that don’t work out.  I would loved to have been able to fly like super man as well. I am surprised that no place in this paper has my lack of having children come into play as I know I feel very bad about missing that part of my life (now that I am getting old enough that it is likely never to happen).  But I think that might ha...

Success? Lessons: Theme 5 & 6 — Discipline and Bravery Copyright © 2008, By Odell Sneeden Hathaway, III Theme 5 — Discipline Discipline—both internal and external. (From being a Vulcan) It’s funny this section began as a single line, because discipline runs through everything I do. Every dream on the list requires it. I wish I were better at it, and I’m working on that. How am I doing? I’m working on it. Compared to the boy who graduated high school, I’m a far more disciplined adult. But I know I can push further. I see it in the days I’ve let this paper sit untouched. I need stronger study habits, continued mental training, and—most of all—deeper meditation. Even after 30 years, my mind still barges in while I’m meditating. Theme 6 — Bravery Courage—not necessarily the kind for walking up to strangers, but the courage to build my own life. To say, “LA stinks—I'm moving to Vancouver.” (From be...

Success? Lessons: Theme 2, 3, 4 — Creativity, Control, Love Copyright © 2008, By Odell Sneeden Hathaway, III Theme 2 — Creativity Imagination. (From being a Vulcan) Logic. (From being a Vulcan) Being creative. (From being a Photo Journalist) Finding a way to let my muse have a pulpit. (From being a priest) The ability to find something inside and make contact with it. (From being a writer) Success to me has to be saying yes to the will of God—or at least trying to. (From The Girl I First Loved) Answering the call of God. (From being a priest) I don’t think it’s any surprise that I’m a creative person and that my dreams center on creating. There’s a huge part of me that wants to be even more creative than I’ve been. I want to write (and I’ve been doing more of it), take pictures, and make music. I haven’t played my flute in over 20 years. It’s damaged now—and physically, I can’t form my mouth to blow a ...

Success? Lessons: Theme 1 — Respect Copyright © 2008, By Odell Sneeden Hathaway, III I wanted to prove to the whole world that I was not “brain damaged”—that I was worthy of respect and even admiration. (From Being an Astronaut) I wanted to prove it to myself most of all. (From Being an Astronaut) Respect—and the idea that others could respect me. (From Being a Vulcan) Having respect. (From Being a Photojournalist) Sense of pride and accomplishment. (From Being a Pilot) Showing everyone else that I was better than they thought. (From Being a Pilot) Finding self-respect and the feeling of accomplishing the “impossible.” (From Being a Priest) I wanted to emulate a man I deeply respected and loved. (From Being a Priest) Wanting to be like my father. (From Being a Photojournalist) The pride of creation. (From Being a Writer) This category surprised me the most—and made me think. It shouldn’t be surprising th...

Success? Lessons: What do my Desires / Dreams teach me? Copyright © 2008, By Odell Sneeden Hathaway, III Success? Lessons: What do my Desires / Dreams teach me? As I worked on this paper, I did my best not to force an agenda or steer the outcome. Each section was written on its own. Now that I’ve looked at my desires and dreams, the real question is: what lessons do they offer about my future—and how I might define success? I reviewed the individual lessons and searched for patterns. To my surprise, six themes emerged. Theme 1: Respect Theme 2: Creativity Theme 3: Control Theme 4: Love Theme 5: Discipline Theme 6: Bravery — Odell Sneeden Hathaway III Next: Meaning of Success #08: Lessons Theme 1 Previous: Meaning of Success #06: being a programmer / writer 

Success? Dream — Being a Programmer and Being a Writer! Copyright © 2008, By Odell Sneeden Hathaway, III Being a Programmer I don’t know whether to call this a dream, an accomplishment, or something in between. When I graduated from junior high, I barely knew what a computer was. This was 1977—the PC was still a few years away. That summer my parents got their first computer for their company: an IBM 5100. My cell phone today is probably a thousand times more powerful. I quickly found I could program it and make it do what I wanted. I was also good at finding and fixing bugs. One night my father woke me up because the program he was running had crashed—and I fixed it. The next morning he told me he paid his programmer $50 an hour to do what I’d done, and since I wasn’t as experienced, he’d pay me $25 an hour. Not bad for a high-school sophomore, even today. That was it. While in college, I got my first programming job—data entry and code...

Success? Dream — Being a Priest! Copyright © 2008, By Odell Sneeden Hathaway, III I have not always (if ever) been able to control what my dreams were. The best example is my dream of being a priest. This dream first called to me when I graduated high school. Some part of me wanted to be a priest and I started looking into it. But I gave up when I found that to earn a Master of Divinity I had to learn to read Greek and Hebrew. Being dyslexic, I had enough trouble with English. I decided I could not be a priest. I thought that was the end of that dream. I would serve God and the church as a member of the laity. But as years went by, I still felt the call. I wanted to be a priest. I wanted to serve at the altar and celebrate communion. I wanted to serve God. I wanted to let my muse out—to write and give sermons. I wanted to spend my time thinking about God and how we should interact with each other and with God. I worked at everything I could in my churc...

Success? Dream — Being a Photojournalist and Being a Pilot Copyright © 2008, By Odell Sneeden Hathaway, III Being a Photojournalist When I graduated high school I had a vision for my life: I was going to be a photojournalist. I had spent two years shooting for the school newspaper and one year for the yearbook. I loved taking pictures. I used to say there are two sides to every camera—the one I belong on, and the one everyone else belongs on. I just loved taking pictures. One reason I loved photography is that my father is a photographer, and all my life I wanted to be like him. I also loved being the person running around with the camera—and the respect that brought. Finally I was something more than a “retard.” Suddenly, I got some respect. Something I was doing was worthwhile. In high school I finally started learning how to beat the world at its own game. Okay, world—you want me to be dyslexic, not able to read? I will still grad...

Success? Dream — The Girl I First Loved! Copyright © 2008, By Odell Sneeden Hathaway, III I have taken several days (and most of my life) thinking about what to write here. This has been one of the hardest things I have ever tried to write. I think the reason for that is that this is one of the things that I am most ashamed of. If I wanted to be flip I could have finished this entire paper in less than a page. I could have said that to be successful I would like to never say NO to the will of God and left it at that. YES I am a mystic and believe in signs and God’s presence in our daily lives. I do not accept the traditional definition of Sin. To me the word sin means to say NO to the will of God. I have done my level best never to say no to what I felt God is calling me to do. I will write more about those times later. I have even had the experience where I have felt called and started working toward something just to have God say—forget that, I just want...

Success? Dream — Being a Vulcan! Copyright © 2008, By Odell Sneeden Hathaway, III Being a Vulcan! As I say, my love of space saved me and led me to my love of Star Trek —and my dream of being a Vulcan just like Spock. He survived by not having emotions. I saw him and decided to do the same thing: I would be a Vulcan. I would learn logic, and I would not have emotions. A shrink would call it emotional suicide, but it was the only way I was able to survive. I wish I could tell you I was good at it. But the fact that I tried so many times to kill myself—or that I used to cry myself to sleep—tells me I never really learned emotional control, at least not to the level of a Spock. I think I was 13 years old when I started meditating, all because Spock and his father Sarek meditated. Back then, meditating meant trying to still the voice in my mind and learning to listen. As a young adult my priest introduced me to Eknath Easwaran and his style of meditati...

Success? Dream Being an Astronaut To start at the beginning, I suppose that the one desire or dream that has meant the most in my life is that of that little boy who wanted to fly in space and be an astronaut. I know that we are talking about a dream on a par with being a cowboy or ballerina, but this dream has been a major force in my life and is the springboard off of which all other dreams are launched. I held that dream from my earliest memories all the way up until I was sixteen years old, and even though I gave up on making it happen, it is still a very special part of my life. There are very few manned U.S. launches that I have not watched, and I still try to follow the space program. (Don’t get me started about the CEV.) Like a jock who still roots for his football team even though he will never set foot on a gridiron. I am not certain why I am so drawn to the space program. My parents were both very interested. When I was small, my father started taking flying...

Meaning of Success? Since the death of my wife I have been feeling like a failure, at least compared to the successful people I grew up with. But I cannot define what it would mean to be a success. When I was in analysis I was asked on several occasions what I wanted to see when I was lying on my deathbed and looked back at my life. I was never able to give an answer to this question and I still do not know the answer. So I am writing this to try and figure it out. The first and most important part of my life being a success would have to be ending this life and never having to return to life again. I do not know if there is reincarnation, but I hope not. I had enough of this life before I was 8 years old; by then my life had already been so painful that I started trying to kill myself so I could end my suffering. The idea that I might have to return and live another life is terrifying to me. I am only 46 years old but I am so tired deep inside. Each day ...